October 29, 2009
I was just looking back through previous posts and remembering how I felt at this time last year – everything was still new, exciting, fresh, and busy. I was optimistic about my future and had a pretty good grasp of reality. I was out with some friends last night after rehearsal – they don’t know me very well but they know me enough that I’m comfortable talking about my personal life with them and vise versa. They remember meeting the … what do I even put here? the ex boyfriend? I can’t think of him like that just yet… anyway – they remembering meeting him once and they didn’t like him. Then I have other friends who liked him right away. Then I think – it’s not their opinion that matters but mine.. isn’t it?
My students have a lot of assignments that require reflection activities. Their presentations are video taped and they review their tape and write a reflection based upon what they see. Immediately after their presentation they receive my observations and those from their classmates but we also begin with their personal immediate reactions following their presentation. Often their perceptions are negative as I find only those truly comfortable with themselves (or those that have a very high opinion of themselves) can be positive about even the slightest things. But we’re taught that in all aspects of our lives. We must fix things… even if there is nothing to be fixed. Why do you think “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it” came about? We’re taught to look for things to fix and have a hard time believing that there isn’t a problem.
So now I wonder, does conflict come about because we are looking for things to fix even if there isn’t anything or are we so skilled at searching for something that even the slightest wrong is reason spring into handy man mode? I’m looking at the past few weeks here and am thinking I was blind sided by something I didn’t know was happening but that’s my perspective – maybe there was something happening that I just couldn’t see. I have to accept that my perception was accurate given the information I had to work with and that his perception was accurate based on his information. Hmm…tough pill to swallow.
Reflecting is a challenge. Being insightful takes courage and a strong sense of self and for a while, I didn’t mind looking at myself in the mirror – I could actually stomach it and thought okay things… now my perception of my reflection has totally changed and not just regarding physical aspects. I see what this mess is doing to me emotionally, socially, physically and it makes me angry but not with him, which is where some say I should be directing my anger, but with me for allowing my brain to stay in this state. It’s doubling difficult when the evidence I have doesn’t match the outcome – is the reflection then warped or accurate?
Or does it even matter anymore…
October 27, 2009
My body is shutting down – I’ve lost 5 pounds then gained it back in a weekend. I feel like crap. I look like crap. My clothes don’t fit anymore and I’m devastated. How would he ever want me back looking like this… if he ever could want me…or anyone…I can’t believe I’m back to this point again. I can’t believe I’ve given up my power to someone else after it took me so long to gain it. I’m scared of pretty much everything these days – going to work, talking to friends, eating food – all of it makes me feel like ass. A fat ass… I’m trying to pick one thing to focus on this week to change and right now it’s drinking water and lots of it. I’ve so far had 6 cups of water today so I’ll make the recommended 8 by the end of this evening.. more likely will be at 10 I’m hoping. Maybe I can flush all the toxic feelings out of me.. but then again I may just drown a little more than I am already.
ha… look at the date – exactly a month ago I was on cloud nine… now I’m so far under it I can’t even tell if there is a cloud there at all…
October 22, 2009
I feel like an idiot. A weak, stupid idiot. I can’t stop thinking about him and what I may have done wrong, even though I know I didn’t do any one thing wrong but that doubt is always there saying that maybe it wasn’t one thing… maybe it was a combination of things. Logic says “no, you still didn’t do a thing wrong” but accepting that is pretty much impossible.
I feel like a burden to my friends at the point because I’m leaning on them so much. I’m tired of hearing myself say the same shit over and over again, and feel the same way over and over again but honestly don’t know what to do. I can barely see even typing this because my eyes are so full of pointless tears – nothing was ever accomplished by crying. I don’t remember the last time I laughed and hadn’t forced it out. Smiling doesn’t happen unless I make an effort to do so and making an effort to do anything is excruciatingly painful.
Morning routines are challenging… I’m talking getting up, showering, dressing, eating…. each thing is hard to do. Had a bad conversation with my mother this morning. I can’t hear from people that this is just a phase or a chapter or a f****** learning experience – bull shit (thank goodness she didn’t say ‘learning experience’). It’s my life and it’s ruined. Right now, it’s ruined. And all that crap about “you’ll get over it… give it time” – sometimes I wonder if these people saying this to me actually realize who they’re talking to or if they’re just saying the something to fill the air. I haven’t lost my brain people.. I’m still smart. I still understand logic but right now I don’t feel it. I don’t have a rational way of thinking and I can’t hear that shit right now. I need to just be and be allowed to feel these things. Please? I don’t know how long it’s going to take me to accept that I’ve been rejected.
I don’t know how long it’s going to take for me to stop loving him and stop believing that he still loves me and is only doing this out of fear. I don’t know how long it will take for me to not be afraid of him hurting me again if I decide to contact him. That’s the biggest struggle of all. To contact or not to contact – to get hurt again or potentially get some resolve to a) move on, or b) repair or both?
I have to work – I have to be strong and be here and go to a conference and be all perky and chatty and welcoming and bullshit. I can’t be that person but I have to fake that person. I hate that person. I guess that means I hate me….and after I’d finally loved me…
) and then the headliner: Holst’s Planets. Stravinsky was presented as a mini lecture recital which I appreciated. I even heard a man a few rows behind me remark that he’d found a new appreciation for Stravinsky now. That was the point so yay! The Planets was presented in conjunction with a video of images and animations created from NASA data that was set to the music. The creator, Dr. José Francisco Salgado, gave a brief discussion about how the images came to be and some things that we be aware of – like the fact that all the sun ‘animation’ was actually video of the sun and not animation at all. COOL! His hope for this project was a merger of visual and musical beauty that would compliment, not overpower one another. I would say it was a totally successful venture. It was a little like Fantasia in a way but so much more exciting with a live orchestra!