I feel like an idiot. A weak, stupid idiot. I can’t stop thinking about him and what I may have done wrong, even though I know I didn’t do any one thing wrong but that doubt is always there saying that maybe it wasn’t one thing… maybe it was a combination of things. Logic says “no, you still didn’t do a thing wrong” but accepting that is pretty much impossible.
I feel like a burden to my friends at the point because I’m leaning on them so much. I’m tired of hearing myself say the same shit over and over again, and feel the same way over and over again but honestly don’t know what to do. I can barely see even typing this because my eyes are so full of pointless tears – nothing was ever accomplished by crying. I don’t remember the last time I laughed and hadn’t forced it out. Smiling doesn’t happen unless I make an effort to do so and making an effort to do anything is excruciatingly painful.
Morning routines are challenging… I’m talking getting up, showering, dressing, eating…. each thing is hard to do. Had a bad conversation with my mother this morning. I can’t hear from people that this is just a phase or a chapter or a f****** learning experience – bull shit (thank goodness she didn’t say ‘learning experience’). It’s my life and it’s ruined. Right now, it’s ruined. And all that crap about “you’ll get over it… give it time” – sometimes I wonder if these people saying this to me actually realize who they’re talking to or if they’re just saying the something to fill the air. I haven’t lost my brain people.. I’m still smart. I still understand logic but right now I don’t feel it. I don’t have a rational way of thinking and I can’t hear that shit right now. I need to just be and be allowed to feel these things. Please? I don’t know how long it’s going to take me to accept that I’ve been rejected.
I don’t know how long it’s going to take for me to stop loving him and stop believing that he still loves me and is only doing this out of fear. I don’t know how long it will take for me to not be afraid of him hurting me again if I decide to contact him. That’s the biggest struggle of all. To contact or not to contact – to get hurt again or potentially get some resolve to a) move on, or b) repair or both?
I have to work – I have to be strong and be here and go to a conference and be all perky and chatty and welcoming and bullshit. I can’t be that person but I have to fake that person. I hate that person. I guess that means I hate me….and after I’d finally loved me…
1 Comment
October 22, 2009 at 5:41 pm
Sometimes you just have to cry and cry and say the same things over and over…and hate every minute of it…it’s the only way to work things out. And lean – its ok to lean. Lean hard; one day we’ll be leaning on you…tis what friends are for