Okay… I’m done with these two gross children. I come back from my lunch walk and there they are, sitting outside my room at least 2 days a week. No, not sitting – let me paint you a picture: one will be sitting, the other will be laying on top of the other one with his/her feet in the air and head on the other’s lap. The sitter will be stroking the flopper’s hair, face, leg, ETC. Right now, they’re talking lovey dovey crap to each other in stupid cutesy voices and if I can hear the whispering, they can hear my typing because when people are sitting out there typing I can hear the click click click of keys therefore I CAN HEAR THEM BEING GROSS RIGHT NOW!!!!!!!

What makes it worse is that one of them (the guy) is in teacher training right now… so not ready to be in the profession.

grrrrrrr!!!!!

Been in my current job since August 2008 and things have changed slightly but not a whole lot. Still the same routines, same people, same responsibilities… but it was temporary. Tomorrow I have an interview to make it continuing – aka permanent. This is a good thing – but the bad thing is to do this on the up and up, it needs to be posted and open to the masses. Apparently the masses responded and they had 17 applicants for a posting that was designed specifically for me. Though they’ve only scheduled 3 interviews, mine being one of them, it’s still kinda scary. One of the other candidates has already shown some guts by calling me today to find out the hours the room is open today in order to come and do some ‘prep’ ahead of his interview… in other words, scope out the joint. Talk about awkward! We’ll see how that goes…

In other news, I have another job now, thanks to an application I submitted on a whim to be a resource reviewer for the provincial curriculum committee. It’s contract work and should be interesting, once it gets going. I applied back in the beginning of September and had pretty much forgotten about it until I went to a conference in October and someone said to me “So you go the job, eh?” to which I responded with “What job?” It was only on Friday of last week that the official email was sent saying that I had the job – which, is apparently a 3 year contract – and if the timely process I’ve witnessed so far is any indication of the rest of the job, maybe I’ll get 4 books to review over the span of the next 3 years!

Every once in a while we all need to reminded to live in the moment and do something just not in our normal routine. Though I’m ‘into’ the arts, I’m not usually quite this into the arts scene in town. I suppose it started Friday night with the university orchestra concert – fabulous! Night on Bald Mountain was the opening number – ah… the innocent days of Fantasia watching…but to incredible to see live! Saturday I had a few girlfriends over and we carved pumpkins and talked about art which was cool. One of them is taking an art class right now, the other’s mom was an art curator, and the other paints once in a while just for fun.

Sunday evening I went to a dance recital with Tweek. Some of it was very, very good! Other moments were a little too ‘granola-getting-in-touch-with-my-inner-child-weird-abstractness’ that made me want to drink 2 glasses of white wine, which I did. The guest musician….*sigh*…I should have known by looking at the list of music she was going to sing that it was not going to be the highlight of the evening. Who starts a set with a Leonard Cohen song BESIDES Leonard Cohen? Famous Blue Raincoat followed by Joni Mitchell’s Blue then When Sunny Gets Blue by Segal and Fisher… really? I get the theme – Blue. I get it. Enough already.

Last night Tweek and I decided to go to the symphony which was brilliant! I can’t believe I’d never been to the symphony in town before. It was truly excellent. Berlioz, Stravinsky (Piano Concerto with Winds! ) and then the headliner: Holst’s Planets. Stravinsky was presented as a mini lecture recital which I appreciated. I even heard a man a few rows behind me remark that he’d found a new appreciation for Stravinsky now. That was the point so yay! The Planets was presented in conjunction with a video of images and animations created from NASA data that was set to the music. The creator, Dr. José Francisco Salgado, gave a brief discussion about how the images came to be and some things that we be aware of – like the fact that all the sun ‘animation’ was actually video of the sun and not animation at all. COOL! His hope for this project was a merger of visual and musical beauty that would compliment, not overpower one another. I would say it was a totally successful venture. It was a little like Fantasia in a way but so much more exciting with a live orchestra!

Tonight, it’s time for the theatre part of the arts (if you’re keeping track I’ve covered visual art, music, and dance so far) because tonight it’s time for a Romeo & Juliet. My tickets were just dropped off for me and apparently, the group of us are sitting in the front row. Little disturbing when there is a ‘potential nudity’ warning. Just sayin’…

I was just looking back through previous posts and remembering how I felt at this time last year – everything was still new, exciting, fresh, and busy. I was optimistic about my future and had a pretty good grasp of reality. I was out with some friends last night after rehearsal – they don’t know me very well but they know me enough that I’m comfortable talking about my personal life with them and vise versa. They remember meeting the … what do I even put here? the ex boyfriend? I can’t think of him like that just yet… anyway – they remembering meeting him once and they didn’t like him. Then I have other friends who liked him right away. Then I think – it’s not their opinion that matters but mine.. isn’t it?

My students have a lot of assignments that require reflection activities. Their presentations are video taped and they review their tape and write a reflection based upon what they see. Immediately after their presentation they receive my observations and those from their classmates but we also begin with their personal immediate reactions following their presentation. Often their perceptions are negative as I find only those truly comfortable with themselves (or those that have a very high opinion of themselves) can be positive about even the slightest things. But we’re taught that in all aspects of our lives. We must fix things… even if there is nothing to be fixed. Why do you think “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it” came about? We’re taught to look for things to fix and have a hard time believing that there isn’t a problem.

So now I wonder, does conflict come about because we are looking for things to fix even if there isn’t anything or are we so skilled at searching for something that even the slightest wrong is reason spring into handy man mode? I’m looking at the past few weeks here and am thinking I was blind sided by something I didn’t know was happening but that’s my perspective – maybe there was something happening that I just couldn’t see. I have to accept that my perception was accurate given the information I had to work with and that his perception was accurate based on his information. Hmm…tough pill to swallow.

Reflecting is a challenge. Being insightful takes courage and a strong sense of self and for a while, I didn’t mind looking at myself in the mirror – I could actually stomach it and thought okay things… now my perception of my reflection has totally changed and not just regarding physical aspects. I see what this mess is doing to me emotionally, socially, physically and it makes me angry but not with him, which is where some say I should be directing my anger, but with me for allowing my brain to stay in this state. It’s doubling difficult when the evidence I have doesn’t match the outcome – is the reflection then warped or accurate?

Or does it even matter anymore…

My body is shutting down – I’ve lost 5 pounds then gained it back in a weekend. I feel like crap. I look like crap. My clothes don’t fit anymore and I’m devastated. How would he ever want me back looking like this… if he ever could want me…or anyone…I can’t believe I’m back to this point again. I can’t believe I’ve given up my power to someone else after it took me so long to gain it. I’m scared of pretty much everything these days – going to work, talking to friends, eating food – all of it makes me feel like ass. A fat ass… I’m trying to pick one thing to focus on this week to change and right now it’s drinking water and lots of it. I’ve so far had 6 cups of water today so I’ll make the recommended 8 by the end of this evening.. more likely will be at 10 I’m hoping. Maybe I can flush all the toxic feelings out of me.. but then again I may just drown a little more than I am already.

ha… look at the date – exactly a month ago I was on cloud nine… now I’m so far under it I can’t even tell if there is a cloud there at all…

I feel like an idiot. A weak, stupid idiot. I can’t stop thinking about him and what I may have done wrong, even though I know I didn’t do any one thing wrong but that doubt is always there saying that maybe it wasn’t one thing… maybe it was a combination of things. Logic says “no, you still didn’t do a thing wrong” but accepting that is pretty much impossible.

I feel like a burden to my friends at the point because I’m leaning on them so much. I’m tired of hearing myself say the same shit over and over again, and feel the same way over and over again but honestly don’t know what to do. I can barely see even typing this because my eyes are so full of pointless tears – nothing was ever accomplished by crying. I don’t remember the last time I laughed and hadn’t forced it out. Smiling doesn’t happen unless I make an effort to do so and making an effort to do anything is excruciatingly painful.

Morning routines are challenging… I’m talking getting up, showering, dressing, eating…. each thing is hard to do. Had a bad conversation with my mother this morning. I can’t hear from people that this is just a phase or a chapter or a f****** learning experience – bull shit (thank goodness she didn’t say ‘learning experience’). It’s my life and it’s ruined. Right now, it’s ruined. And all that crap about “you’ll get over it… give it time” – sometimes I wonder if these people saying this to me actually realize who they’re talking to or if they’re just saying the something to fill the air. I haven’t lost my brain people.. I’m still smart. I still understand logic but right now I don’t feel it. I don’t have a rational way of thinking and I can’t hear that shit right now. I need to just be and be allowed to feel these things. Please? I don’t know how long it’s going to take me to accept that I’ve been rejected.

I don’t know how long it’s going to take for me to stop loving him and stop believing that he still loves me and is only doing this out of fear. I don’t know how long it will take for me to not be afraid of him hurting me again if I decide to contact him. That’s the biggest struggle of all. To contact or not to contact – to get hurt again or potentially get some resolve to a) move on, or b) repair or both?

I have to work – I have to be strong and be here and go to a conference and be all perky and chatty and welcoming and bullshit. I can’t be that person but I have to fake that person. I hate that person. I guess that means I hate me….and after I’d finally loved me…

• feeling
• not feeling
• forgetting
• crying
• hardening
• hopelessness
• frowns
• sorrow
• pain
• evenings
• mornings
• mourning
• loving
• letting go
• moving on
• being forgotten

He ended it…

Reasons: “I can’t be in a committed relationship right now. I can’t love you as much as you love me. I feel anxious thinking about seeing you. I just can’t be in this 100%.”

Why celebrate a 6 month anniversary then? Why say you love me? Did I love you too much? I’m not a smothering person but apparently it’s too much. I never asked for more than you were giving me to begin with because you were giving me more than I’d ever hoped for just as you were. I guess telling you that on the anniversary date in a card was wrong, but I don’t apologize. It was honesty. I was happy..was…

Over msn no less… then I had to call him during the msn because I, at the very least, deserved a voice to break up with me as opposed to a screen.

I’m in shock – I’m broken – devastated. All those stupid metaphors about walls crashing down around, rugs being pulled out from underneath, etc. etc… I exist in that. I’m not surviving it, I’m not living in it… I’m just being in it. I breath in, and out – but with a lot of effort. I don’t eat – I try, but it only makes me feel sicker than I already feel. I can’t control my crying. I can’t distract myself with anything because all the things I do remind me of him because he’s everywhere – he was becoming my life… problem though, it wasn’t being reciprocated or wanted but that wasn’t made known to me until Saturday night at 11:30…

The nerve of me to let my walls down. You know that song ‘halo’ by Beyonce. That was basically, if we were to name a song ours, our song. I tried SO HARD to not let him in… I fought it every step of the way for fear that this was going to happen and .. it has.

Moral: ? Don’t give me the b.s. ‘better to have loved and lost’… seriously… I’ve learned that I guess I just can’t love someone and expect it to be returned to me. I feel like I’m meant to never be happy.. because I finally was. Finally..

sorry.. my mistake… I trusted… time to start the building the fortress again…

The 6 month anniversary – I feel kinda hokey saying that since it’s only 6 months but still, it is kinda a big deal in the dating world and in my world – it’s freakin’ huge! I can’t believe it’s been only 6 months that I’ve been dating him because it feels like we’ve known each other forever, and yet have only just met at the same time – it’s weird but in a fantastic way.

He totally exceeded my expectations last night. I was completely convinced, I mean seriously convinced that we were going to Ferris’ for dinner last night even thought he’d said we weren’t I thought he joking. We parked right down town in the parkade right across the road from Ferris’ so I was still certain, until we started walking past it and he said “Isn’t that Ferris’ over there? Yup, we’re not going there.”

Then he thought he was lost because he couldn’t find whatever the place was we were going to – but I thought it was an act! Especially when we crossed the street and started walking directly toward Ferris’! And then nope… we walked right on by again. LOL!

And then… O.M.G. we went into a restaurant that was so absolutely amazing that I’d never heard of simply because it is so not even on my radar. Restaurant Matisse is an experience, especially for someone like me that is not at all use to fine dining but I’ll tell you, it’s something that I could get used to and would never get tired of experiencing. We had to wait a little bit for our table because he’d requested something quieter. The host was wonderful and made sure we got exactly what we wanted even though we were, without a doubt, the youngest people in the place. (check out the website home page: in the pictures that are playing, when you see the one taken from a table top looking into the restaurant and you can see people dining, that was our table that the picture was taken from. And then the picture of just empty tables, ours is the one up against the half wall.)

At the table beside us were two middle aged couples straight out of a fine dining magazine. One couple was very French, we’re talking France not Quebec French, and the other was just dressed to the nines though the lady beside me was trying a little to hard with her matching lace shrug and heels – I mean.. really? So not a good look. I had had such a hard time trying to figure out what to wear that night because I hadn’t a CLUE where we were going but was convinced I did but had to be prepared for anything – not too casual, but not too dressy. So I found a black sweater dress at SmartSet that was just the perfect combination of casual yet dressy. It was such a last minute find – I’d completely given up after trying a tonne of different looks, it was a relief! Anyway… back to the food…mmmm….

I seriously expected Gordon Ramsay or some famous French chef to walk through the kitchen door at any moment throughout the evening. I almost felt like I was playing dress up and acting like an ‘adult’ – lol! The host, John, was unbelievably wonderful. He explained all the dishes in the most entertaining yet classy way. I had escargot for the first time even and wowzers – was I impressed. It was absolutely spectacular! I can’t describe it, it was just so amazing. My main course was the Fricassée de Fruit de Mer which the menu describes as “A sauté of fresh lobster, prawns and scallops green pea, black truffle & chive risotto.” I felt like I’d died and gone to heaven at the first bite of risotto, let alone the following tastes of perfect scallops, prawns, and lobster… The beef that the bf ordered melted in your mouth.

I can’t say enough about the amazing restaurant – honestly. There were only 12 tables and hosts on the floor who were always checking the state of the tables and making sure everything was just perfect. At one point, I saw John (host) re-fold a gentleman’s napkin for him as he had left the table to use the washroom. On the way by, he’d said to John “no matter what happens, the bill is mine.” Oh and the washroom! Okay… I’ve seen individual hand towels in places before, but a bottle of Scope!? Really!? They think of everything! The art work in the whole restaurant was, of course, Matisse and there were even some originals! Amazing!

I’m still so happy about how perfect it was – and then, of course, we went out to a pub for a pint afterwards because that’s just what we do LOL! They asked us if we wanted a menu there and we both laughed (after the waitress left of course) because can you imagine? Having that brilliant meal then just completely destroying the experience with nachos, fries, etc? Okay, so the beer wasn’t that classy but it was Stella… does that make it better? We opted to not have the bottle of ‘82 Chateau Margaux – find that on the Matisse menu if you want to have a mini heart attack!

Anyhoo – there’s the update on the dinner!

(Oh – and the hair… :S not too impressed this time. She cut it kinda shorter than expected and with a more blunt-bob bottom than before, but it’ll grow out so I’m not too worried. The dye job was nothing wild and crazy, just a nice dark, natural wash.)

Ahhh… It feels SO good to be teaching again. What a great class today – there were some very teachable moments and some huge learning experiences for those who presented. I think they’re getting feedback that’s useful and that they’re understanding and owning so that’s a good thing. I’m trying to tailor this class to be as practical as possible.

They’re multi-tasking to the max and I love that! Playing/learning a new instrument, teaching lessons to their peers, creating lesson plans (most have never done this before), thinking about concepts that they know inside out and backwards but now trying to look at them with fresh eyes, being aware of their conducting/questioning/voice/pace/classroom management (and they actually have had to practice that for real when some of the students really revert to beginning band mode inadvertently! lol!)/presence/stance… you know TEACHING in general. I LOVE IT!!!!!

After each micro-lesson, I give the ‘teacher’ a chance to debrief in front of the class and I’m finding this part of it to be just as valuable a learning experience for them as them actually teaching the lesson. Reflection is at times the most irritating thing but it’s really invaluable. There have been some fantastic questions asked in that time and not only is that teacher getting some info, but the class is learning from them as well. So exciting!!!!! Yes, I’m an uber nerd but it’s totally a rush when you see them getting a concept or idea.

I’m actually a little proud of myself; today, I incorporated/dragged out some terms from the back dusty corner of my mind from undergrad readings and applied them to the lessons. Who knew that stuff would actually come in handy!? I’m hoping my lessons actually come in handy to these students. I’m not focused on the philosophical at all with them but 100% practical based in philosophical and for now, they’re buying it… I hope it continues!

Other good things:

1. I actually played my saxophone at rehearsal last night and my neck is pretty okay
2. I have a massage booked for this afternoon; neck pretty okay but better safe than sorry
3. HAIR CUT TONIGHT!!!! WOO HOO! It’s been a few months and the hair is in some serious need of care. The problem with having a popular stylist is that its hard to get an appointment so you really have to plan ahead and mesh our schedules together. I’m sacrificing Grey’s Anatomy tonight to get the hair cut. but at the same time…
4. Six month anniversary dinner date on Saturday night. I don’t know where we’re going but apparently there are reservations at 8pm and I’m not to wear my cut offs, tie-dyed tank, and crocs. Not like I have any but I was trying to get an idea of what to wear and was told casual but nice. All I had to go on was the info that he’s going to be wearing something other than shorts/jeans/tie. After my cutoff’s comment, a dress, sweater, and heels were strongly suggested – which was the plan anyway, I was just trying to see if he’d crack and tell me outright where we’re headed…but nope, he’s stubborn like me. I think we’re going to Ferris’. We’ve been there a few times, usually before one of us leaves on some trip and then once for a burger that turned out to be just thee worst thing ever! But the oysters are fan-freakin-tastic! Mmmmm…. Or we could go to the Penny which is where we went on our first official date and this is the anniversary of our first official date. Wonder if he’d actually remember we went there though?